5 Times Jeff Got Unsolicited Advice About Annie
by crackers4jenn
Summary: Regarding Annie and Jeff's 'Debate 109' kiss, the ol' study group has a few words to say.


**01.**  
_Setting: before class  
Senor Chang is writing on the board: "Usted es una falta" / "Su cara es incorrecta"  
Identification: the least helpful advice, but it carries the most comedic weight._

Britta slides into her seat, only the second person after Jeff to arrive for class. It's early enough that he almost finds the bags under her eyes attractive, in a deranged way, sure, as opposed to depressing and cause for fake-concern.

She says with absolutely zero build-up, "I heard about your kiss. Actually, no. That's not true. I _read_ about your kiss. Would you like to know where?"

"Judging by the twitch of your eye, I'll assume that was rhetoric."

"I read it this morning in one of the bathroom stalls. On a stall _door_, Jeff."

"Should we high-five now, or does that come later?"

She leans out of her chair, his way, hissing, "You _kissed_ Annie?"

"Ah, yes. Here it is. I was waiting for the green-eyed monster to flare. And," he mockingly stops the fake counter on his fake watch, "congratulations, you held out for 16 whole hours. Impressive."

"Do I even have to remind you that she's barely grown into her adult teeth?"

"Hence the underlying strategic genius. Try to keep up."

She eyeballs him, looking for the lie. "That was strategy?"

"No," he drawls, "I've been planning it in my diary for weeks. You should've _seen_ my entry when I got home last night. Usually I like to ration my glitter, but, _oops_. Glitterstorm of '09."

The sarcasm is picked up on, which gives her new ammo. "She's a _kid_."

"Thank you, voice of morality. Do they pay you to point this stuff out?"

"I don't know, Jeff." It's a new, more devious tactic. "'Barely legal' seems like your type. Think of the romantic carousel rides. The cutesy stuffed animals with rhymey names. The concerts you'll get to go to put on by those Disney whores-"

"Okay," Jeff cuts in, "one, _wrong_. Two, how dare you. Disney whores? That's blasphemous, even for you. Three. That's a vigorous repeat of number one, but glad to see you're rallying for women's solidarity."

"_Please_," she argues, and Senor Chang turns around, pained.

"Yes," he says, "Please. Angry rocker chick, tall man with the unfortunate Twilight hair: which of you can tell me how to say 'the sound of your clucking is giving me a migraine so severe, I might actually barf' in Spanish? Anyone, hmm? No? Can't conjugate those verbs?"

"I know a ballpark total of two phrases," Jeff says, "and neither are those. However, both are inappropriate, give or take your sense of humor. I'm thinking _give_."

"That is _just_ like you," Britta huffs. "You should be arrested by a mob of well-intentioned civilians."

"For failing to retain a foreign language I purposely purged from my brain after the 8th grade?"

"No, no. No, no," Senor Chang says, calm-voiced but with an edge. "You're sliding down the wrong slope again. See, your _gaping vortexes_ are still mid-flap, which tells me that the mild pulsating at my temple isn't a pending stroke, it's _the banality of crap spewing forth like a menstruating volcano out of you two that's reeking havoc on my blood pressure_!"

Jeff glares at Britta. "Just so you're aware for your next installment of self-improvement, this is your fault."

Some pimple-faced kid walks in, humming, and says, "Sup?"

Senor Chang shouts, "Five points deducted from Monday's exam!" just as Troy strolls through the doorway.

"Ah, _man_." Troy says. "Wait. Five points from his exam or five points from everyone?"

"From his," Senor Chang smiles. Then screams, "Ten points from everyone else!"

"Ah, _man_."

* * *

**02.**  
_Setting: outside the STD fair  
Annie is at a booth, handing out fliers that read: "The Only V.D. You Need Is Vankman (& family) Dentistry!"  
Identification: The more direct advice._

"I see you lookin'," Shirley says, sneaking up on Jeff, who, for clarification, was so not looking.

"I wasn't looking."

"You're gonna need a better sales pitch if you're sticking with that line. Try pretending you're in an infomercial. I like to think of the Snuggie."

"One afternoon spent with Pierce and you're passing off his clunkers as pearls of wisdom?"

"Date that girl and I will break your neck. Just sayin'. You think you're cute with your down-trodden looks and your fancy Jude Law hair, but trust me on this, you will break her heart and I will break your neck. Snap. Just like that. You think I'm playing?" She demonstrates what looks to Jeff like his worst nightmare that does not involve a meat grinder or one of the Olsen twins, simulating a carefree, easy snap of invisible Jeff-neck. "That's neck-snapping. That ain't no joke."

He makes with two peace-offering hands held up mid-air. "That rang with all the clarity of a Viagra commercial. Threat absorbed."

"Mmhmm. That's right. Sponge it up, 'cause that girl in there? She don't need your fickle attention just 'cause she's cute and you're bored."

"I'm not _bored_," he scoffs. "I'm always this lackluster."

"Abed ain't God."

"Has that already been scientifically determined?"

"And he ain't no Spielberg, either."

"This is teetering dangerously close to character assassination."

"Just 'cause he made you kiss her, that don't mean nothing."

"I'm pretty sure it was school ethics that made us kiss," he corrects. "And the erotic atmosphere of a half-packed gymnasium leering at us."

"And that, too. That funny business. _Mmmhmm._ Don't you dare date her, Jeffrey."

"I'm not!"

"'Cause I'll ruffle you up real good."

* * *

**03.**  
_Setting: cafeteria  
The Ethnically Neutral Human Being is perched in a corner of the room, just staring, but also doing a bang-up job of promoting race neutrality  
Identification: The vague yet insanely direct advice._

Abed breaks it down for him.

"It's like this: even the most apathetic fan of modern cinema can tell you that the older man/younger woman archetype is in a sad decline. The current and more popular angle is the older woman/younger man relationship, termed with the intent to create mystique as _the cougar_. Now, while interesting, what's important to regard here is the double standard."

"Okay," Jeff says, "this is getting ridiculous."

"Breaking down the facts, it's a given that, no matter the gender, age gaps are a huge societal hot topic."

"No, I mean it's ridiculous this specific subject keeps getting brought up."

"Think about it: death panels, weapons of mass destruction, that skateboarding dog. All the most recent, talked about buzz. Mix in Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon and you've got yourself the cornerstone of water cooler discussion."

"Who is Nick Cannon? Where are these water coolers where this is what's being discussed? Why am I even asking?"

"Let me put it another way: people root for the underdog."

"While I appreciate being stripped down to a basic plot device, trust me, it's not relevant."

Abed shrugs. "Fake-Annie and Fake-Jeff worked it out."

"Drawing focus to your surreality-based fictional characters doesn't give you actual credit, you know."

"You should rent the movie _Guinevere_."

"What is this, a joke?"

"Young girl, henpecked from her parents, falls for the aloof older man."

"And now I'm leaving."

"In this more personalized scenario, the overwhelming pressure comes from school, not her parents, but either way it's easy to see how the carefree attitude presented by the older male and his lifestyle free of restraints would be alluring."

"This is me, walking away, not listening!"

"While unmemorable," Abed calls after him, "the movie is compelling enough for an above average rating on IMDb!"

* * *

**04.**  
_Setting: computer lab  
Troy is on YouTube watching a water-skiing squirrel  
Identification: The pretty straightforward advice._

"All I know is," Troy says, eyes glued to the computer screen, "Annie hates cool-people stuff, like malls and pep rallies and parties."

Jeff thinks this seems about the exact opposite of Annie, who is always rallying people together for parties (occasionally in the form of a pep rally, and once, amazingly, at a mall.)

"But about that exam," Jeff brings them back on topic. "You really think Senor Nutjob is making it 80% of our final grade? That seems unreasonable, and, well... you see the irony."

"Also," Troy says, attention straying as far as Jeff's ear, "if she gives you a blanket, I know it's cool and all, but _do not take it_. You think she wants you to have it, but really she wants you to look like a fool on your date when she comes and snatches it out from underneath you."

"Why would I want a blanket?"

"I don't know! _I don't know_. That's what's _crazy_ about it. It's like that Cocoa Puffs commercial. Or maybe it's Trix? I can never remember, but I think it's Cocoa Puffs, since he's cuckoo for cocoa, and in this situation, that's what makes sense..."

"I'm going out on a limb here, but. I'm willing to bet money you could _never actually pay me_ that you don't know anything about Senor Chang's exam. Do you?"

"Sorry," Troy answers, devoted again to YouTube. "Wish I could help, but I keep getting hypnotized by this little guy's water skills. _How does he do it_?"

* * *

**05.**  
_Setting: well after study group  
Pierce is cracking open and eating peanuts, scattering empty shells everywhere  
Identification: The less direct and way more offensive advice._

"Hmm. It appears to me we have a real dilemma on our hands."

"Yes, thank you, finally," Jeff says, because _alright_, someone gets that this has the potential to be a moral complication. Annie is young, but take a magnifying glass to those letters and you are looking at all sorts of different words, people, like freakishly mature for someone her age, or freakishly able to weaken a man's defenses with nothing but her tear ducts as a weapon.

"On one hand, our Annie is well-endowed in all matters of the brain. On the other... _ehh_." Pierce makes a face, then gestures to his chest. That would be him going there, then. "Let's just say she's packing A's, and not only in her report card."

"Okay," Jeff quickly says, because what's that? His cue to exit? Seems like. "As always, invaluable information-"

"Then again, why argue melons over grapes? All you really need is a good handful ripe for the plucking. That's a fruit metaphor."

"I got it."

"It's applicable because-" and there it is again, another crude gesture, "sometimes, in certain cultures like ours, their lady-areas are referred to-"

"I still got it."

"Oh. Oh, oh! Are you sure?"

"Oh, it's burned into at least my retinas."

"Because I could-"

"Just let it go."

Jeff manages to make it _just_ out the door when Pierce shouts, "It means _HER BREASTS_!"

* * *

**The End.**  
_Setting: the campus courtyard  
The sun has set, and since it's a Thursday, Jeff has a date with Booth, Brennan, and TiVo.  
Identification: The non-advice._

Annie walks up to him, a poster board fitted beneath one arm. "Hello, Jeff."

"Just so you know, Pierce should not be the go-to guy for advice. And riding that train of thought, we should probably have the study room checked for carbon monoxide poisoning."

Annie holds up her sign. It says: Eff Jeff!

"_Eff Jeff_," he slowly reads. "Nice. I think."

She gives an apologetic cringe. "I tried all possible rhyming schematics. This is all I could come up with. But in my defense, there were strict time restrictions."

"Weirdly, it fits."

And that gets him a smile. "I wanted to cheer you on."

"In the form of glitter and poster board," he notes, and it's really not doing a thing to erase the age-factor.

"After blowing Simmons out of the water during last week's debate, you seemed..."

"Go on, you can use the phrase 'dog-piled by mankind'."

"You _were_ kind of dog-piled, weren't you?"

"Only in the most literal sense. And over what? A kiss?" he scoffs, and then realizes even in that blissful state of innocence and ignorance where the words are only half-way out of his mouth that bringing up said cause for said pile-on is _remarkably stupid_, brain trust.

"Totally," she agrees, charged with a mutual indignation. "That was completely premeditated."

He can ride this trip to denial. Why not? "Uh, _yeah_. Your face signaled me the details in advance."

"And it's not like we didn't have the school's best interest in mind."

"Also true."

"It was a mark of dedication, and gamesmanship."

"_Yeah._"

Eye contact is weird, all of a sudden, like all this protesting over the injustice of humanity is coming across a little too forced. How dignified would bolting be? On a scale of one to _Tool Academy_?

Jeff is thinking a nice pat on the head will end this encounter just fine, when Annie tugs on her "I'm A Grown-Up, Ask Me How" face.

"I could use some coffee," she says. "Well, hot chocolate, but in the spirit of ageism and its harsh confinements and how unfairly you've been portrayed, I'm saying 'coffee'. Would you like to join me, Jeff?"

There's something about the over-the-top way she asks him, with this half-curtsy that's borderline robotic, that tricks him into thinking coffee wouldn't be the worst idea ever.

"You know, I could use the taste of tar right about now," he agrees.

On their way to the cafeteria, Jeff takes the poster board from Annie and dumps it in a passing garbage can.

"We should definitely not be seen with this."


End file.
